Hello all. This post will be my second entry in my PARENTHOOD series. Check out my first entry, Dad Rob, if you haven’t already. Today’s post focuses on pregnancy, in particular what it means for the partner of a pregnant person……………*end of pregnant pause* let’s go.
When you find out that you’re having your first baby, it’s a wonderful and scary time. There’s so much you need to do and prepare in the next nine months. It can be rather overwhelming. To combat this, I did what I often do when I’m not sure what it is I need to be doing: I went online. Within minutes, I had found handy pregnancy checklists of tasks that needed to be completed in the short and long term. Within an hour, we had contacted the local hospital to inform them of the pregnancy and had collated a pretty exhaustive list of all the things that we’d need to buy. So. Much. Stuff! I knew most of the obvious items you need for a baby: a pram, a baby monitor, nappies etc. But there are so many things that I wouldn’t have even thought of. What the hell is a muslin square anyway? But we eventually had a full list, obvious and obscure alike.
One thing I noticed in those first few days of research online is, there was a plethora of information for pregnant people, but there wasn’t a great deal for the partners. And I suppose why would there be? It’s the pregnant person who’s body will be going through physical and hormonal changes; they’re the ones who need information on how to handle the various stages. The partners don’t go through any physical changes at all (though I did seem to eat more during my wife’s pregnancy). But there is definitely a bit of an emotional journey for partners. There was for me anyway.
It’s worth stating now that I’m not after any sympathy here. I can almost hear people thinking, “Oh boo hoo, you had some emotional problems? That’s nothing compared to what your wife went through.” And that’s true. I think that’s why a lot of men don’t talk about what a difficult time pregnancy can be for them too. Let’s face it, most men aren’t that good about talking about their feelings at the best of times. It seems incredibly churlish to speak out on any problems around pregnancy when their partner is in so much physical and emotional distress themselves. So we keep our mouths shut. We shouldn’t. The analogy I always come back to is: imagine you and a friend are in a car and you get into an accident. You end up with a broken leg, but your friend comes off worse and breaks both legs. Now, logically, you understand that your friend has it worse than you; they’ll be in more pain and their recovery will be longer and more difficult than yours. However, knowing that doesn’t mean your leg stops hurting. There will always be someone worse off than you, but it doesn’t make your pain any less real.
For me, the hardest aspect of the pregnancy was feeling quite useless. You have to sit and watch your partner struggle with discomfort (or sometimes outright pain), knowing that you can’t help. Of course, comfort and support aren’t nothing. But holding their hand whilst they’re being kicked from the inside, suffering with heartburn, with an extremely sore back, does feel a bit like putting a plaster over a gunshot wound. I can imagine a lot of partners felt the way I did. It was even more acute for me, as my wife had a terrible pregnancy. All pregnancies are difficult, but almost every possible symptom you can get, my wife got. I’m not going to list all of the issues she had over the course of the nine months, but it was a rough time. She did so well to withstand it all. My support, though welcome, wasn’t ultimately very helpful. Once your partner is pregnant, a lot of what happens is out of your hands.
And that brings me to the following difficulty: the worry. Anyone who knows me well will know that I’m not a worrier. I’m pretty laidback most of the time and I try not to worry about things that I can’t control. This all changed during pregnancy. 12 weeks. To anyone who’s gone through it, you’ll likely know what “12 weeks” refers to. To anyone who has never been pregnant, chances are you won’t know what it refers to. Allow me to explain. At roughly 12 weeks into the pregnancy, you will go to the hospital for a scan. This will usually be the first scan that you have, and it’s at this point where the doctor will tell you if everything looks ok. If you’ve ever wondered why people wait about three months before announcing a pregnancy, this is why.
A truly shocking statistic that I found out about shortly after we knew we were having a baby was about miscarriages. Around 15% of all pregnancies result in a miscarriage. This was way higher than I thought it would be. And around 85% of all miscarriages happen within the first trimester (the first 12 weeks). That’s not to say nothing can go wrong after 12 weeks, but the chances are much, much lower. So when the doctor gave us the all clear, the sense of relief for my wife and I was palpable.
Knowing that the 12 week scan was on the horizon, it was almost like I was holding my breath, waiting for the verdict. The doctor telling us everything looked ok allowed me to breathe in sweet oxygen once more. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I totally relaxed at that point, but a weight had certainly been lifted from my shoulders.
As alluded to above, the rest of the pregnancy wasn’t exactly smooth sailing. But we got through it. As with my previous parenthood post, I don’t want this to put anyone off. It isn’t easy, but it is exciting preparing for a new addition to your family. And yes, you do worry, but after all that, you end up with a baby. And then you’ll have all new things to worry about. *start of pregnant pause*…………
Thank you very much for joining me again this week. I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope you check out next week’s installment too – whatever that ends up being about. Take care.
A Rob Blog 