Welcome to the third entry in my PARENTHOOD series. After discussing what it’s like to become a parent in Dad Rob, and talking about the wonders of pregnancy in What to Expect, my focus this week is on the differences between being a parent and not being a parent. In case that wasn’t apparent?
I remember going to a party when my daughter was around 10 weeks’ old. It was about a half hour drive from our house, so – new baby in tow – driving was our best option. I’m sure my wife and I were the life and soul of that party; sleep deprived, focused on a baby, and neither of us drinking (me=driving, wife=breastfeeding).
I know some would question the wisdom of taking a young baby to a party, but we had a good time. It was nice being back out in reality with grownups. The party was good, our daughter was good, and all in all, it had to be considered a success. And then there was the drive home…
Have you ever been out late? Silly question, of course you have. You know that feeling you get when you’re on your way home – whether you’ve been at a party, in the pub, or just working late – where you just can’t wait to get into bed? All you want to do is flop into bed and sleep. It’s like your bed is calling to you.
I had this familiar feeling on the drive home. It was cold, it was raining, and I was desperate for my nice, warm bed. And then it hit me. I wouldn’t be getting into bed when I got home. I was a parent now, and that meant that the first thing my wife and I would do on arrival home is get the baby out of her car seat and into the house. The next thing we would do is unload all of the stuff from the car (pram, changing bag etc.). Then we’d prep the baby for bed (change nappy, put baby grow/pyjamas on etc.). And then we’ll pray that she’ll go straight off to sleep. She might. Or she might take an hour or two.
It was at this moment that I truly realised that my life wouldn’t be the same again. On an intellectual level, I knew this from the moment my daughter was born; perhaps before then, even. But it was at this moment – 10 weeks in – that the reality of the situation fully hit me. Here was a tangible, real-world example of how my life would now be very different.
Of course, as my daughter grew, new pre-baby vs post-baby differences made themselves known. Getting sick is almost a rite of passage for new parents. The first time it happens, it can be a bit of a shock to the system. Before parenthood, if you got sick, no big deal (assuming it wasn’t anything life-threatening). You lay in bed most of the day, try to drink fluids, and eat something if you can manage it. Essentially, just rest. When you have a child, rest isn’t really an option. You can’t just lay in bed all day. Even if you’re a two-parent household, it isn’t fair to leave your other half to struggle alone with a baby, no matter how rough you’re feeling.
Quick sidebar: I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this in previous blog posts, but single parents are absolute heroes. I’ve talked quite a bit about some of the struggles of being a parent, but I’ve always done so with the knowledge that my wife and I helped each other through these times. Single parents face the same difficulties, but often have to face them alone. This would have been doubly difficult during lockdown, so a huge shout out and massive respect to all single parents out there.
Along with the ability to rest, another thing that goes out of the window is spontaneity. “Fancy going to the pub tonight, Rob?”. Asking a new parent something like this is a bit like asking someone if they hate Hamilton; there’s a small chance of a “yes”, but it’s likely going to be “no”. And look, it’s not that new parents don’t want to go out and see friends. But it’s not easy to turn around to your partner with only a few hours notice and say, “I’m popping to the pub later, you’ll be fine giving the baby dinner, putting her in the bath, and getting her off to sleep on your own, right?”.
I’ll openly admit that I didn’t spend a great deal of time discussing poo before I had a child. This was another surprising change for my wife and I. Baby poo is really weird. In the first few days, it is literally like tar; black and… sticky. It then transitions into an orange-y/yellow substance over the next couple of weeks. And the smell! Terrible, terrible stuff.
But even as your baby gets older and the poo settles into something approaching normal, it’ll still be a talking point. “Has she pooed today?”. “Was it a big one?”. “Babe, start running a bath, it’s everywhere!”. You sometimes catch yourself really examining a full nappy, before thinking, “What has my life become?”.
Even phone calls are difficult. If your baby is awake, it can be a struggle to get away for long enough to talk on the phone. And if they’re asleep, you’re probably not going to want to risk talking on the phone in case you wake them up. A friend telling you that they’ll give you a call is enough to set the anxiety bells ringing.
Friend: I’ll give you a call tomorrow.
Rob: What time?
F: Not sure, probably afternoon.
R: Can you be more specific?
F: Why?
R: Because I might be in the middle of something with my daughter.
F: Surely you can talk for 5 minutes?
R: Yes, if I know roughly when.
F: I’ll leave it I think.
In short, being a parent isn’t for the selfish. The baby comes first. Always. Of course, it’s important to also look after yourself, both mentally and physically. You won’t be able to look after anyone if you don’t take care of yourself. You’ll find the right balance as you go.
Your friends might think you’ve changed. Good. You should. I don’t like to be too judgemental, but if your lifestyle doesn’t change after becoming a parent, you’re doing something wrong.
Kids are constantly growing, developing, evolving. They spend their life, changing. And the beautiful thing is, the parents get to go on the adventure with them.
I hope you enjoyed reading this week. Thanks as ever for joining me, I hope you’ll be back next week. Take care.
A Rob Blog 