Welcome to my latest entry in my PARENTHOOD series. This may well be my last entry in the series. At present, I don’t have any further ideas on parenthood subjects to cover. Having said that – with my daughter developing all the time – I’m sure I’ll find inspiration for more entries in the future. Anyway, today’s post looks at the differences between being a mum and a dad. Specifically, society’s warped view of fathers.
Dads are different to mums. I don’t mean this in a sexist way. With the best will in the world, no matter how equally and fairly a mum and dad divvy up tasks – and regardless of their intentions – there are differences right from the start. The nine months of pregnancy – difficult as they can be – at least allow mums a chance to bond with their baby. Dads first chance to bond is when the baby is born.
Society also dictates that there is a difference between mums and dads too; if both parents work, it’s likely the mum will get up to nine months of maternity leave. Dads tend to get two weeks.
It’s obvious why this is the case. Decades ago, life was a lot different. The man would be the breadwinner, and the woman would be the housewife. Even though most women do now have their own job, some of these “traditions” still exist. Take a look around and you’ll see evidence of this old school mentality everywhere.
Out in public, you’ll be hard pressed to find a women’s toilet without baby change facilities. In the gent’s? In my experience, it’s about a third that have them. Don’t get me wrong, it is something that is improving; it would have been even more difficult for dads 10 to 20 years ago.
As a new dad, you’ll also get asked some very strange questions. One question I was asked by an alarmingly large number of people was whether I changed my daughter’s nappies. It was strange, because I assumed the answer should have been obvious: of course I was. I’m willing to bet no one asked my wife whether she changed my daughter’s nappies or not. It is just expected that mums do these types of jobs.
Quick sidebar: For any soon-to-be parents who may be worried about nappy changing, please don’t. Yes, they can sometimes be incredibly smelly and/or messy. But mostly, it’s one of the simplest jobs you’ll do as a parent.
Another strange question I was asked revolved around sleeping arrangements. A guy in my office and his girlfriend were expecting a baby a couple of weeks after my daughter was born. In the end, our paternity leaves ran near enough consecutively, so I didn’t see him for about a month. When we finally did catch up with each other in the office, we had a good long chat about the strange new world of fatherhood. Comparing notes, if you will? Then he asked me a question that genuinely baffled me: he asked where I was sleeping at night. At first, I thought he might have been referring to late night arguments. Lack of sleep and a screaming baby can lead to a few terse words between parents. I thought he might have been asking if my wife had banished me to the sofa, like some 90s American sitcom husband. I also wondered if this had happened to him. I simply told him the truth: I was sleeping in bed with my wife. He sort of looked at me funny and then asked, “Every night?”. I told him yes. I then asked where he was sleeping. He said he slept in a spare room on “school nights”. He said he couldn’t be dealing with the lack of sleep and then come into the office the next day…
I understand why he made that decision; there were plenty of times when I really struggled to get up in the morning after a bad night’s sleep. But as much as I can understand why he made that decision, I have no idea how he made it. By that, I mean how he squared that with himself – with his conscience. It takes a hell of a lot of nerve to turn to your partner at 10pm and say, “Well, I’m off to bed. Goodnight, and good luck with the baby.”. How do you sleep at night knowing that your partner is likely having to deal with a crying/needy baby alone throughout the night? Unfortunately, he wasn’t the last person to ask me about where I slept.
It’s this sort of behaviour that leads to dads being treated differently. In a lot of ways, you could say dads have brought this on themselves. There are some benefits, patronising as they can be. For example, dads will often get praised for doing the absolute bare minimum. In the aforementioned area of nappy changing, dads are often lauded as great parents for performing this simple task. Or if you see a dad with his kids in the park, it won’t be long before a passerby will say something like, “Aw, bless him, isn’t he good with them?”.
There’s nothing wrong with praising a parent. But you so rarely see mums get praised for doing similar jobs. It’s just expected that mums can and should be doing these things. This level of expectation helps no one. If a mum does struggle, she can sometimes be treated like a failure. It shouldn’t be this way. Parenting is hard regardless of your gender. Yes, maternal instinct is a real thing, but it doesn’t mean looking after kids is easier for women. They should be praised as frequently and as loudly as men are (or men should be praised less, take your pick).
The negative aspect of how dads are viewed publicly was brought into sharp focus for me when my daughter was around six months old. My wife and I took our daughter out with her godparents. The two ladies had a drag afternoon tea event booked, so as they tucked in (pun intended) to that, it was us two men left looking after my daughter. It was all good for the most part, but at one stage – whilst my friend was outside taking a phone call – my daughter kicked off. This wasn’t overly surprising, it happens with babies all the time; one minute they’re happy, the next they’re not. I tried (and failed) to calm her by walking her up and down in her pram. Once I realised that wasn’t working, I decided to get her out to give her a cuddle. This didn’t immediately soothe her, but it calmed her a little. Before I had a chance to do anything else, a female member of staff walked up to us, arms outstretched, and said, “Give her here.”.
Now, I’ll be honest, this caught me completely off guard. What followed was pure instinct on my part. I swivelled away from the woman (putting my body between her and my daughter) and very firmly said, “No!”. In hindsight, perhaps a bit of an overreaction; the woman was in her 50s and was clearly not a threat. You can never be too careful though. To be fair to the woman, as soon as she saw my reaction, she apologised straight away. She acknowledged that as a stranger, it was unlikely that I would just hand my baby over to her. But she just thought I looked like I could use some help.
Pro tip: If you see a parent who appears to be struggling in public and you want to make sure they’re ok, ask them if they need help*. If they do, they’ll say yes and will tell you what they need. Do not approach them and demand they hand over their baby.
*As COVID-19 is very much still a serious issue in most countries, please avoid unnecessarily interacting with strangers in public. If a parent is struggling, the last thing they’ll want is the added stress of a stranger with God knows what germs/disease approaching them.
What I found funny about this incident looking back on it was how sure I was that this wouldn’t have happened to a mum with a crying baby.
We have a bit of a chicken or egg situation in terms of how dads are viewed. Are dads seen as incapable because they have historically been more hands off? Or are dads hands off because people (possibly including the dads themselves) assume they are incapable?
Either way, modern dads seem to be moving in the right direction. The question is, will we be allowed to do our job without being dogged by the sins of the fathers of yesteryear?
Thanks for joining me for my latest rant. Back with more moaning next week. Take care.
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