A slightly different blog post for this week. I’m going to go through my top tips for crafting a good apology. I’ll also give some examples of what not to do. Hope you enjoy.
Sorry if this comes across as arrogant, but I’m excellent at apologies. Why am I so good? Who knows? Maybe it’s because I’ve made so many mistakes in my life that I’ve had plenty of practice? Perhaps it’s part of being British, where we’re almost programmed to apologise even when we’ve done nothing wrong? I’m pretty sure I’ve apologised to someone after they stepped on my foot before. Anyway – whatever the reason – I find myself being quite good at it. But what often strikes me is how bad others can be at it. I suppose apologies are never easy, but with the following tips, you’ll be apologising like a pro in no time.
Tip 1: Mean It
This might seem glaringly obvious, but it’s one of the most important aspects of an apology: sincerity. One might argue that if a person doesn’t believe the words that they are saying during an apology, then it isn’t an apology at all. It’s a show to get themselves out of trouble or to diffuse a volatile situation. More on this in Tip 2 below.
The apologies that make me cringe the most are the ones delivered by celebrities. You know the sort I’m talking about: a celebrity gets caught doing something immoral (having an affair; bullying coworkers; storing money offshore to avoid paying tax, as a few examples) and then trotting out some half-baked apology in a newspaper or on social media. Of course, it’s virtually impossible to know exactly how sincere these apologies are. But a lot of these celebrity apologies just don’t sit right with me.
Maybe I’m just cynical, but they often strike me as PR stunts; a quick way to repair any damage to their public reputation. I also quite regularly get the impression that they’re not that sorry about their misdeeds at all; they’re just sorry they got caught. Again, I’m not saying this applies to every celebrity who has ever – or will ever – apologise. It’s just hard to believe when played out in public.
Because apologies can be very private matters. You won’t usually find yourself in a position where you have to apologise to a lot of people all at the same time (hopefully). It’s usually a one-on-one thing. It’s important that you try to understand why the other person is upset with you. Think about it for a bit if you need some time to see things from their point of view. Try to see where you erred and then apologise accordingly.
On the flip side of this, if you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, then don’t apologise. Most of this tip so far has centered around sincerity, but the other aspect of “meaning it” is only apologising if you’re in the wrong. You don’t want to end up as the person who apologises – and therefore is held accountable – for everything. If you’re not at fault, don’t apologise.
Tip 2: It’s Not About You
Allow me to quickly clarify, because the title of this tip may lead to confusion. The apology is about you in that you’re apologising for your actions. But the apology isn’t for you; it’s for the person you’re apologising to.
A lot of people see apologies as a means to an end. “If I apologise, I’ll be forgiven and we can move on.”. Whilst I can appreciate that no one likes being in the doghouse, you can’t just unilaterally decide it’s time to move on. Ultimately, it’s the person you’re apologising to who will dictate if and when you move out of the doghouse and into the… people house? Sorry, that analogy really ran out of steam fast.
Here’s the salient point: they might not forgive you straight away. They might not ever forgive you. And that’s up to them. It’s not about you. Of course, if you do something relatively minor, a quick apology should suffice. If you do something incredibly bad, a simple apology probably won’t cut it. “Sorry I killed your cat with my ill-advised, homemade, model spaceship. I was sure I could stop it from crashing…”
On a completely unrelated note, may Fluffy – and the Robenium Falcon – rest in peace. Moving swiftly on.
Tip 3: Wording
The wording of an apology is key. Too many people fall into the following trap. They’ll say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry you were offended.”. Some people might not see a problem with this. It’s fairly subtle, until someone points it out. It can be difficult to unsee after that though. It’s the word “you” that’s the problem. It implies that it is the person who was offended who has the issue.
In the worst case, what the apologiser is basically saying is, “I’m sorry you’re such a delicate little flower and can’t take a bloody joke!”. Not really an apology. Compare the above to, “I’m sorry I offended you.”. It’s more or less the same, but the use of “I” shows that you’re taking responsibility for the offence. It is subtle, but this can make all the difference in how your apology sounds.
Tip 4: Learn From It
This one is a bit different, because this is more what should come after an apology. For an apology to be truly effective, there will usually be an implicit agreement that you won’t do the same thing again in the future. It’s no good apologising for, say, staying out until the early hours of the morning without letting your partner know, but then doing it again a week later.
Some people seem to think that the act of apologising gives them carte blanch to re-offend. In my view, doing the same misdeed after an apology retroactively recinds the apology. Because – to circle back to Tip 1 – how much can you have really meant the apology if you don’t learn from it?
Conclusion
To anyone who has read this far, I should apologise, because I’m now going to say something that may contradict everything that I’ve said. Though I think my tips are good in general, they won’t apply to everyone in every situation. Whether you’re apologising to a partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague, or a stranger, it’s your relationship with them that will dictate how you apologise.
Hopefully reading this hasn’t been a waste of time and you will have found something useful to take away with you. I tried my best. Sorry, not sorry.
Thanks for reading as always folks. Back next week to talk about a certain musical. Take care.
A Rob Blog 