Salutations one and all. Welcome to another edition of A Rob Blog. Today, I’ll be talking about alcohol consumption, particularly as it relates to the UK. I hope you enjoy (responsibly).
There is undoubtedly a drinking culture in the UK. Us Brits seem to have a unique relationship with alcohol. Now, this isn’t to say that the UK is alone in its indulgence of booze. Far from it.
If you watch any American film or TV show that features a college campus, chances are you’ll see some kids beer-ponging it and keg-standing it with the best of them. You’ve probably heard at least one story about how children as young as 12 (sometimes 10, depending on who you’re speaking to) in France drink wine with their dinner. I have no idea if that’s true, but that’s certainly the perception.
I’m sure most countries around the world (the Islamic ones not withstanding) have some form of drinking culture. But it really does seem as if the UK takes things to a different level. There’s almost a sense of pride about how drunk we get. I guess it can always be difficult to tell people that you don’t drink, but I imagine it’s slightly easier in other countries. If you tell a Brit that you don’t drink, they look at you as if you’ve told them you enjoy eating puppies.
Yes, we certainly do take our drinking seriously in this country. Other nations just don’t understand us. This was none more obvious than during the reaction to an Ed Sheeran song. A few years back, Sheeran had a huge hit called Shape of You. The opening lines of the song had his American fans very confused:
🎵 The club isn’t the best place to find a lover, so the bar is where I go. 🎵
Cue many online comments from across the pond like, “The club isn’t the best place, but you go there anyway??? Don’t make no sense, bro.” I may have added the ‘bro’. You see, for many Americans, a ‘club’ and a ‘bar’ are one and the same. For Brits, there is a huge difference between the two. With this in mind, let me run you through the places we drink in the UK:
Restaurants
Now, you don’t really go to a restaurant specifically to drink. It’s more of a happy byproduct. Go for the crab cakes, stay for the house Merlot. This is probably the least convenient and more costly option. For a more budget scheme, see the next entry.
Off Licences
Unless your life has gone completely off the rails, you’re unlikely to actually drink at the off licence. But if you want a cheap drink, this is the place. Grab a six-pack, head home, and the rest should be self-explanatory. It used to be between £4-5 for six cans of lager, though with the state of inflation these days, I’m sure these prices have risen too. It’s still your budget-friendly option, though.
“Why are they called off licences?”, I hear nobody ask. The term simply comes from the fact that they have a licence to sell alcohol, but the alcohol is consumed off the premises. So that’s that.
Pubs
Ah, the great British pub. Is there anything more British than a pub? Sure, pubs can vary from place to place. A pub in, say, Manchester, might be completely different to a pub in London.
But, for me, there are a few things a pub must have to be considered a proper pub. There must be a selection of drinks on draught, with at least one bitter. Guinness is a must, as well as a cheap lager (Carling, Fosters, etc.). Having a cheap cider on tap is nice, but if not, a selection of bottles is fine.
In terms of wine, as long as you serve at least one red, one rosé, and one white, you should be fine. You just need the usual suspects when it comes to spirits, though if you want to throw a curveball and serve Jim Beam instead of Jack Daniels, I’ll allow it.
Serving hot food is completely optional, but if you don’t, you must sell a variety of bar snacks. You can’t go far wrong with crisps, peanuts, and pork scratchings, but feel free to use your imagination.
For entertainment, there should be at least one fruit machine. Some form of juke box (either classic or a newfangled touchscreen one) is a nice-to-have. A modern quiz machine (he says, despite the fact they’ve been around for about 20 years) can be a fun addition.
If you really want a proper pub, you should consider a dart board and/or pool table. This isn’t a necessity, but a pub without one is a bit like toast with no topping; you can still eat it, but what’s the bloody point?
Ideally, there would be an old man who is at the pub when it opens, who sits at the bar all day, perhaps with a newspaper. Not vital, perhaps, but all good pubs seem to have one.
Last but not least, the final nice-to-have is a beer garden. Somewhere we Brits can enjoy the two weeks of sun we get each year. And speaking of our poor weather, some outside heaters in the beer garden wouldn’t go amiss either. Thanks.
Bars
Here we go, the aforementioned bar, and how they differ from clubs. A bar is sort of a cross between a pub and a club. You’ll probably still have beer on tap, but possibly with not as great a selection as pubs; bottled beers might be more favourable.
There should be no entry fee unless it’s a special occasion. Music can vary depending on the type of bar. It could just be a set playlist playing in the background. There might be a DJ, possibly only on certain nights. The music will be louder than what you’d get in a pub, but it should be quiet enough for you to have a conversation.
There may be an area for dancing. There may be some kind of dress code (i.e., no trainers). There will possibly be bouncers on the door (they prefer to be called ‘doormen’). The bar will close at any time between 11pm – 2am.
If it’s a bar that sells cocktails, you probably will find yourself waiting a long time for a beer while the bartender flamboyantly shakes up a Pina Collada or three.
Quick sidebar (pun very intended, as you’ll discover): I’ve always thought it would be a great idea to have a sort of express bar (or a quick side bar) in cocktail bars, for people who are after a quick drink. There’s nothing worse than getting to an empty-ish bar just after someone who’s ordered four Mojitos and having to wait as the bartender meticulously makes the minty rum beverages. Then you finally get served, and they hand you your bottle of beer in about 10 seconds.
Clubs
And finally, the big one. Chances are, you will have to pay some kind of entry fee. There will probably be somewhere to store coats/jackets, possibly for another fee of some description.
The music will be loud. So loud that you’ll barely be able to make yourself understood, which is especially fun when trying to order drinks. Speaking of, the drink prices will be extortionate.
The music will almost exclusively be EDM (Electronic Dance Music) of some description. Be that electronica, house, techno, or whatever. Occasionally, you might find a club that specialises in a certain genre of music that isn’t EDM. There are clubs that play mostly rock, some that play hip hop and R&B. There are even some clubs that focus more on cheesy pop from the 80s and 90s.
The floor will be sticky. Just go with it, and worry about the state of your shoes in the morning. On the subject of shoes, the dress code will likely be very strict. Absolutely no trainers under any circumstances. Clubs close any time between 1am – 6am.
A final thought on clubs, and this one is for the lads: don’t turn up to a club in a big group; generally speaking, clubs don’t like to let large bunches of blokes in. There are two main reasons for this:
1) If anyone is going to cause trouble in a club, chances are it will be a guy. The less men in there, the less risk for the club’s staff.
2) Marketing. If you’re a straight man, do you want to go to a club that has lots of women in there, or one with lots of men? Even if you’re a straight woman who’s going to the club to find a man (and as Ed Sheeran says, that’s not a great idea), you don’t want to be in a club that’s full of men. Chances are you’d feel a bit safer if there were a decent amount of women around.
Ideally, you’d go out in a mixed group of men and women. Failing that, if you’re out with a group of lads, try to break off into smaller groups of two or three before getting in the queue. This should increase your chances of getting into the sticky, loud place.
It occurs to me now – having written all the above – that as a married father of two who hardly ever goes out anymore, I’m perhaps not the best placed to comment on drinking culture. It’s quite possible that a lot of what I’ve said could be outdated claptrap. If you really want to know what’s happening out there, get out and experience it all for yourself. Or find a young person’s blog to peruse.
Thank you for joining this old-timer. It’s been a pleasure as always. I hope you’ve enjoyed this in moderation and will join me for my next tipple on the blog. Until then, take care.
Rob Recommends
Pam & Tommy – TV – 8/10
I can’t give you an exact reason why, but I wasn’t expecting much from this show. Perhaps I thought it was going to be a bit trashy and exploitative, but it is actually very well made, and quite a lot of fun.
Telling the story of how Pamela Anderson’s and Tommy Lee’s sex tape came into the public domain, there are plenty of fascinating (and borderline unbelievable) twists and turns, making this a much more gripping tale than I expected.
The first few episodes are the best, in my opinion, before the quality drops off a little. But this one is definitely worth your time.
The West Wing – TV – 8/10
I decided to give this a re-watch, having first seen this well over a decade ago. I’m brighter now and more into politics, but I still struggled to keep up with all of the storylines that pop up each episode. The episodes are fast-paced and full of great dialogue and drama.
If I were just grading the first three or four seasons, this would get a solid nine or 10 out of 10. However, the series did run out of steam a bit towards the end, with the last few seasons (some excellent episodes aside) only worthy of maybe a seven out of 10. An eight overall is probably about right.
If ensemble casts, biting dialogue, and high drama with more than a touch of clever humour are your bag, this show is definitely for you.
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